Capricious Whims

=>So it's four thirty am now, got back an hour or so ago and spent the last 60 minutes using the bolstered bravado I earned from intoxication to msg 30 or men and women living in my area. wholivesnearyou.com has been an interesting surf, but i never dared to msg anyone.

Probably gonna regret it tommorrow. all the guys would think i'm gay and all the girls would think i'm a chee hong pervjerk. ah well, if i never try i'll never know. It's been... about 4 years. Moved here at 2000 june till now i've enrolled and graduated from poly, enlisted in army, more than one year soldier, and i still don't have neighbours. Sure I got people living next door, but no neighbours.

Poly was hectic in TP, 14 hrs out a day means no hood hangouts. army no need to say. Still during those nights or weekend days it's quite lonely. Sometimes it's nice to lie under my covers and draw all day, but my juices are running dry since enlistment. Occasionally the digital artwork comes out, but thats not often. I've blogged and surfed freindster, deviantart to death.

So if just one person, male or female, decides to be my friend and meet up for some teh, doesn't mind my smoking, have some conversations... it'll be great. At least there'll be a familiar face to bump into at the interchange or coffeeshop.

=>Just watched Bang's play tonight, the Physicists. Lovely show, great direction, excellent content. Simply put, it was about the ethical responsiblity of science to humanity - with quite abit of humor and wit dashed in. Had a great time, Bang was sweet enough to stay for an hour long chat at the Sketchers behind the theatre after his show... and he sneakily paid for our dinner. Well, as Keith says, that just gives me a reason to treat him back another day. Good company, good freinds.

No freinds here in Clementi though, hope noone think's I'm a cheehongpervjerk if they recognize me from my photos at clementi central.

=> In the Army, they like to put little notes at the urinal walls with quotes or safety reminders like "safety is everyones responsibility!" and stupid shit like that. I saw one at School of Logistics this week that was quite cool though:

"Most people are fixated with accomplishing something big in life, they fail to understand that life is made up of the small things..."

hur hur, here's one to say SO THERE!

=>feeling quite positive huh? i'll probably just look back at this sanguine post in shame when i revert to my all-to-often-thesedays cynical jaded self.

How to make a sidney koh shun xiang

Ingredients: 5 parts anger 1 part brilliance 5 parts joy

Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Serve with a slice of curiosity and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

what a nice answer huh?

hoary stories
On hindsight, I think I was more affected by the rediscoveries of my friends' lives than been grappling with this dilemma. The situation existed, but I'd say it seldom bothered me. I've made the effort to not become too distraught, the activities in my past posts reflect that. The most effective means of not thinking about this however, has been coming from contact with Her, herself.

Our propinquity, cleanses my soul and exorcises the demons. On this issue at least. Our inconcrete relationship may be the cause, everytime she looks at me from my computer screen, none of all that i imagine, matters. Webcams can do wonders :)

It doesn't matter we haven't a resolution. Life doesn't provide absolution. The present is where we exist. We can create the future. And if hollywood has done it's job well enough, there is hope.

It does bother me sometimes. When things are not going well. When i seek a warm heart to snuggle up to, to feel safe and protected, to feel reinvigorated against the myriad of problems my life will throw at me. Our relationship isn't absent, it's vivid and alive, but it's inconcrete. A romanticist like me should claim the insubstantiality of such a worldly matter, that abstraction is the most concrete experiance. But I am a rational person too. Somehow, I still feel safe, protected, invigorated when I'm with her. I'm just not when she isn't around.

Still the linkage between the words "committing a crime" and "commitment" may explain some fears in people. Maybe that's why they see it as a wrong thing to do. It affects some of the choices i need to make too, like where to study for my degree. Maybe my assumption that the course might not be what I want is an erroneous hypothesis. How would i know?

I could state all the things that bother me one by one like this. I already sound lugubrious. Yet... yet when she comes, it's all gone...

There's little escape from my black hole of abulia

I don't like my blog . Too many pictures of me. And it's so white and peachy. And the text alignment and size is too weird and big respectively. And if i'm not writing didactic, I'm either too effusive of maunder too much. And i surf at this site too much.

I found out recently things about the love lives of two of my best freinds. It shocked me to the core and i'm really rattled. It makes me think of my own life... and it opens a little black hole of abulia. What the fuck am i doing to myself!?! The little crack at my heart had surreptitiously turned into a dead star imploding at my core. It's destroying me more than the compound sentences are doing to my english.

I miss Tara so much. I know she truly loves me still, and it's a balm to my aching soul. It fends the wraiths that suck me dry. Her reasons were mature and far-sighted. I was simply immature and only interested in the moment. But I can't accept that love isn't enough. It should be the only thing. My quixotic heart denies what my intellect presents, and i know clearly the denial i am trying to believe in. Winson woke me up just now. He is right. She is right. She had the courage to deny her heart but I fear the courage itself may make me lose more than i hope for. And yet, she loves me, and I love her. There is just a state of being, stasis, no direction, movement. We are full of latent intent, but alas that black hole of abulia.

I can't love anyone else. I know that now. After all this time apart, I still cannot think of loving anyone else but her. I can't move the dynamo, I dare not raise the strength, and i do not know her will. But the dynamo continues to emanate such energy it infuses us with bliss... tinged with that nearly undetectable bitterness memories remind.

I may never understand her fear, it perplexed me for the longest time. However I understand my love for her, I will do whatever she desires. I am incapable of loving anyone else.

This is a stalemate. We're all dying from the attrition. I don't even want to start thinking about losing my art, my music, my verve, my muse...

Yes i need to know all this

First day at my basic logistics officer's course. So stupid!!! After the preliminary administrative proceedings, this Cpt Ng conducted an fucking 8 and a half hour class on Risk Management! RISK MANAGEMENT! What rubbish!

It's not even about logistics, we've been taught in OCS, nothing's new, but the moron takes everyone as idiots (even the Captain students) and goes through the most mundane and trueist items like it's the most amazing discovery known to man. His emphasis on unimportant, unneccesary infomation, undermining our intelligence and illogical strict enforcement is much akin to trying to teach us how to feed ourselves: we know it, so stop fucking teach me what i already know.

Cpt Ng: First of all, you need food.

All: duh

Cpt Ng: Food is considered edible items that provide nutrients. Generally us human beings need to consume it in order to... (45mins of rubbish) Then you can eat it.

All: Is this guy for real?

Cpt Ng: Next you need utensils to eat. Nono, haha, that was a joke. Youdon't actually eat the utensils.. you use it to... (15mins of giving us a clear picture how un-humourous he really is)... hahaha... get it? Then you need to feed yourself by...

<7 hours later>

all: KILL ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!


aaaaaaaaaaaarrrghhh... the rest of this course better not be like this....

doppelgangers, ol'skool arcade, fiona's two friends

alpha
Went to walk around town to take photos with serene yesterday, and saw a FAKETARA!!!! Facially not the same with Tara, but her skin, style, hair, earrings, bracelets, long arms and legs, eyeliner, body type, height, walk, aplomb, is practically identical to Tara!!!! It's Fake Tara!!!


sneaky sneak shots... hehehe

bravo
Saw on the news abt vintage video games making an appearence as an exhibition... I just have to go!!! You can play touch and feel the ol'skool atari games like pong, frogger, space invaders and other legends like asteroids, tron and many others!!! Next weekend this is it: Singapore Science Centre... more info here and here

charlie
Just watched the second episode of this new channel U drama series about swimming. Call me crude but there are two BIG reasons you should watch this show: Fiona Xie's mammaries. omg. Jaw dropping. watch them and understand. Every weekday night, nine o'clock. there they go again! OOh.......

Delta
Just wrapped up issues at work today with my upperstudy officer. While walking back to my MT line, he said a truism we probably all know and heard before, but i love it because it's so well put and appropriate:
"you can please everybody some of the time;
and you can please some people all the time;
but you can never please everybody all the time."

cheers.

From Antoinette's soiled sheets:

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."


An Observation
Since my enlistment, I've always griped about not having heaters in the showers. During my first block leave, a week of lovely warm baths at home, I realized cold showers might actually have been an intentional control factor for servicemen; we were after all, a platoon of thirty odd hot blooded virile young men, confined to each other for six days a week.

Gladly Glad Galahad!

15th Oct Friday
Took urgent leave to finish the final loose end in the comms book. Woke up, went to the printers, settled it once and for all. The stupid committee screwed up again by misquoting the budget, but they'll settle that, i can fuck off now! It's over WOOHOO!!!


Went down to Sung's bday chalet, had kicks from buying a bubble gun, but in my drunken stupor i gave it to a little girl who left home with it. :( Anyway, around 0230 am we tried sneaking into the closed fenced up pool and i woke up the next day with scratches i don't remember getting heheh. Jason said this one on my face was swelling like a welting centipede in the taxi. All i remember at the end of the night was getting in the cab, then waking up the next moment in bed having stripped, charged my phone and removed my contacts. Amazing.

16th oct Sat

Watched Sky Captain (I LOVED IT! the film noir aesthetics, the dry wit, the lame jokes! And Gwyneth is simply the kinda hot i love) Met up with Hung to go to Joe's bday chalet, another one haha, and guiltily bought a 2005 EMILY CALENDER! i wanna keep it, it's so lovely, but it's not an object a guy can keep without being laughed it! aargh...

this page is my favourite: Emily in front of her dresser... and a skull on the whole. Lovely.


17th Oct Sun
Finally finished my piece, Tara and Coffee.

Painted it in photoshop, it's up on deviant art. You can see the complete on here: http://zeph.deviantart.com
She loved it and i'm Gladly Glad Galahad that she does :)




What a lovely weekend.

slept 18hrs in in 96hrs

Yet somehow my genes just don't show dark rings or eyebags. It's frustrating. I want to look horribly haggard when i don't get enough sleep. sympathy points. verification points. Now i just look normal from sleep 2 to maximum 5 hars a night the last 4 days. I'll suffer during the day with shivers, that too hot too cold feeling, the awake but unconscious feeling - the usual insomniac symptons, but still no dark rings or eyebags.

See, people think it's a bad thing to have them, but in actual fact, it's worse not to have them. I'll be slogging my ass through the night and people the next day give me incredulous looks when i tell them. I'll have to exert a little on the lower lids to puff up the bags... jeez

genes i like:
eyes, arms, skin, pretty hairless

genes i don't:
unreflected insomnia, morning sinus, poor cold resistance, dammit didn't get my dad's dimples, too damn flat chested

Argh. Still working on that print job. Surfing around during the long loads.

Very Stressed. Very Upset.

Comms Book
Supposed to be sent to print on last wed to get it out by the comms ball 23rd Oct. At that point i hadn't finished my work. Then Kenneth Foo passed me his files done in PowerPoint. The picture quality degraded very badly. I have to re-output his files, 2 platoons' reflections, in high res, or the best msPP can offer and resize it.

Yesterday Deneng sent me Charlie wingcom's msg. I had to put it in because i object to Kenneth Lim's opinion to put Hotel wingcom's msg without Charlie's. The file got corrupted in my mailbox and when i asked Deneng to remail to me an MSword version, he gave me shit. He talked to me like a moron, which really pissed me off. Look i know how to download an attachment you fool, don't try to guide me thru it when i tell you there isn't an attachment. I recognize an attachment when i see one. He was so convinced i had his level of ignorance with his annoyed insistence that i didn't know how to open emails. Hotmail screws up attached .rich text files, i told him the email was jumbled with script and he kept telling me to look for the link to download the .rtf file. His tone of voice really tested my limits of courtesy. When he was speechless after i pointed out attached mails had paperclip symbols on it and his mail did not. After a pause, he said with indifference, "oh well i did the file at work so i can't send the mail to you again anyway."

That was the last straw. Either he simply didn't want to help in this small way by not sending me the mail again, and if he really didn't have the file at home - he gave me all the shit about downloading the rtf file and telling me i didn't know how to d/l files, insulting my intelligence, spelling out his low regard of my character (i won't go into that), when he couldn't have helped at all. Fucker. Regardless of our history, this was a matter of our comms book not us. My asking for assistance on this matter was not beyond his taking a personal and un-professional approach.

I never curse at people in malice to their face. I think it's uncouth and below me. That's why i got somewhat upset at myself when i said "Bitch." in disgust and hung up. But his interrupted fury and immediate calling back and hanging up again; It was cathartic. I had the guilty pleasure of his anger. It's nothing compared to my sense of betrayel and stress, but it was good nonetheless. Deneng that fucker.

Thankfully Kenneth Foo offered to help and he got the file formatted properly for me. He also prepared the missing picture file i needed.

btw every single file Hotel's Kenneth Lim and WeiJian did was not in CMYK for print. I need to re-output them because an RGB to CYMK conversion darkens everything and i need to manually colour adjust every page to ensure things are visible. It's very 'yuan wang' work coz it's their fault, but i can't blame them, because nobody working on the team has design knowledge. End up about everything everyone does for the book, i must continue to work on them on top of the pages tasked to me to do. Sigh.

And all it matters to them is getting the book done by the comms ball. Kenneth Lim and vice chairman Winston has been calling me up incessantly to tell me we've run out of time and make me promise the completion by the ball. Thing is i can't because of all of the above, which i don't think they'll understand. They insist and i tell them if we are to compromise the quality of the book, the money the cadets paid, and the pride of the Officer Course we took to get the book by the ball by giving a half past six book. They too are pressured by the committee and the cohort, and i know my rightful points put them in very difficult positions. I suggested that the book collected when the cadets return the uniforms to OCS , and they ceded that as a last ditch choice. Nonetheless, the delay and failure to produce the book looks like it's entirely my fault, to everyone, and they don't know my problems and reasons. Ii'm taking all the shit now.

I am stressed and upset by what has happened, the situation i am in, and the immense workload still uncomplete at the moment. Blogging it down is helping a little, i'm grateful for it. Going back to work now, no sleep tonight, not that i have been getting much lately (3-5hrs a night past week, waking by 0545 to go to camp).


Other Stuff bothering me atm, but shan't vent anymore, work calls.
-Friends in Clementi- the lack of
-Getting Eaten by people. "tio jiak" because i'm not assertive enough
-Going Nowhere in where i wanna go in life when others have
-Psychology Talk from OCS - i'm getting mental illness from stress and insecurity. Neurosis, Anxiety, Insomnia.

This piece started out as a track of my hairstyles, but ended up as a picture journal of my past 4 years.

2000 - Entered polytechnic, formed my band Eightball, Had "Ekin Cheng" hair. It grew into what i still miss today, "The Ponytail.

early 2001 - let my hairdresser friends do what she liked for her graduating hair show. "Radioactive Man"

mid 2001 - shaved everything off, with two tufts to gel into horns on my head like adrian young of no doubt during tragic kingdom. "Devil's Hair"

late 2001 - Got rid of the horns, grew a star instead. "The Star "

2002 to 2003 - Started growing things back, and by graduation, it was "The Moptop"

late 2003 - Enlisted in the army by conscript. "the G.I."

2004 - Commissioned as an Officer with a regimentally accepted "Normal Joe" hair.


Haha, it was fun doing this.

haha this cracked me up.. sent by Tara
http://www.bitoffun.com/weirds-orgasmic_simulator.htm



Newly posted to HQ 6div as a platoon commander of CMTL. Sort of an MTO posting but doing PC stuff as well... i'll go cheong suah with 1SIR on exercise and be MTO during normal admin time...

Many things to learn, will go for logistics course soon... The men look scary. Tattoos, rowdy...

Beautiful camp, very new, but Mandai Hill Camp damn ulu... took 1hr 15min to travel there. Sianz.

Staying out is unbeatable though. Finally going home everyday. You girls won't understand! even if u're not at home right now, you're not in a regimental place!

what a stupid blog, blabbering with no insight. ah well, gotta have one of these meaningless posts once in a while. Jing Hong! Let's meet up sooN!