I've been retelling my horrid army life to many of my friends the past week. Poor john has been present for quite a few everytime a new person asks for my account. He's mentioned Deja Vu in a vague way, i think he means this. hahaha.

Everyone seems solemn after i tell them. It is unique, truly, but i can't help but feel wierd. As I relieve the urge to share the frightful events i am put through, i sense their indelible reception. is it awkwardness? pity? awe? I would punctuate with paroxysms of frustration, and they are muted and candid. Furtive questions follow, then silence. I'm not bothered by it, but it stand out as... interesting.

I guess my army life is very unusual. I have never heard of an NSF bearing such duties and even when they do, they do not relate them with such... eloquence. I make it sound so horrible. Perhaps if i removed all my emphasis, the plain events themselves are bad enough. But i have to add footnotes of my feelings and considerations that inflates the severity of my punishment.

I make excuse that my drink and nicotine addiction is because of it. But i know, and those that know me would know too, it's just an excuse. I am weak. They are easy temptations where the immediate consequences are not in clear sight, so i take the risk.

I lack the discipline i suppose. I am so full of will, but without the focus.

Nevertheless i hope i can disrupt my NS liability soon. I am aching with desire. I move forward in my life once more. To escape the Hentak Kaki of serving as an officer. I embrace advancement in the arts i've chosen to be my life. To once more in the arms of my love of artistry, meaning and Tara. July semester is the application i've sent in. I long to feel alive again at work. So far the only artistry left in me is with Last Transmission, and thankfully LT has kept my light glowing in the coldest winters of my heart.

I understand John's sadness in my departure, for i feel it too that LT might once more be faced with uncertainty. I don't know what Ina and Tjinn thinks. Tjinn doesn't have the kind of trials Ina has had with LT. She's gone through much and her gravitation to suspending our fantasies must mean something. We all want to suspend this fantasy of music making. Tjinn has found a nice outlet for himself with us, and good company. But any more is unspoken from his reticence. Still his perpetual enthusiasm speaks of some value to me, the must be some meaning more than i can perceive.

Suppositions and hypothesis, might make for my presumptuousness.

Haha, stipud 2 frame gif of our gig in feb.


This weekend seemed very long. It's rare. Normally it lasts so fleetingly amidst my debauchery and hedonistic escapes. But tonight i feel so joyfully full and sated.

Friday night:
John came over to wash up before goin to Bens party. He showed me his Ex's blog page, Esther. OMG She's hot! Not bimbo model FHM hot, but the artsy, angsty, punkrock hot. The adorable but goth, dimple cute but tattoo fierce, honest writer with wit here and there. Hot hot hot.

BBQ at Ben's. With John and TJin. And two dozen people we didn't know. But we had our good friends Carl and Stella, they made us happy. One of the two girls that stayed late was so deadpan. Dry wit smart. Very nice. Then late nite at Tjinn's house with smirnoff green tea and acoustic jamming.

Saturday:
Stayed over at John's. John was webcamming with Kris in the morning, said hi, wore john's specs coz i threw my contacts away before i slept. We got same degrees! He should change his lenses, it's been in the army, now it's as if it's been wiped with steel wool.

Got home, got clean, got changed. Got my ass down to Suntec to meet (guess who) John and Tjin again. Cedric came too. Checked out the Aussie Uni Fair, my second visit to such places. UNSW provided a wonderful express entry for ppl of my poly and diploma. Bachelors or Arts in Digital Design. No application fees, advanced standing, and not even need for me to send my portfolio. July 2005 semester, here i come. Disrupt army, fuck Canada (not replied my application yet). Tara, I'm coming!

Cedric and Tjinn went jamming with Meza Virs, John and I met up with Ben and Rudy and his friends to go to RNDM. An eclectic gig at MoX, opposite Maxwell. From Tanjong Pagar onwards, to dinner at Maxwell Market, and to the gig itself, we were gushing over this girl in green. John knew here apparantly, she's his someone's someone, i can't remember. She's really sweet though. It'll only be a shallow appraisal i know, i don't know her. But she's got nice hair, eyes, mole, and rock sensibilities. I'm a sucker for rock chicks.

The gig was amazing. Went in at the end of Astreal, Ginette's black top and blue flying V bass were beautiful accesories to their beautiful music. Tiramisu's RHCP influenced rock and his absolutly superb showmanship was great. After 4 shots of vodka and a jug of vodka redbull, John and I were really rocking out. Ben left. John and I started taking long breaks at the balcony toilet.

The place was beautiful, it was a landing from the spiral staircase you get behind shophouses. The veranda overlooked a lush wooden courtyard, the cubicles opened to the sight. Inebriated, we were laughing and chatting.

Hot rock chick in green shirt came with (surprise!) Alison aka Anu and a boyish girl. We said hi to Alison, and found out in their chat hot rock chick in green shirt was named Melody and the boyish girl was her sis Crystal. Alison and Crystal got into two cubicles, and Melody stood waiting under bladder stress. Excited by her proximity, and unrestrained because of the alcohol, i actually spoke to her.

I said there was more cubicles round the corner of the balcony where she would find relief. She declined uncertainly and i grabbed her hand and pulled her round the corner. She exclaimed that the cubicles were indeed cleaner and smiled, much to my pleasure. "Are you gay?" she piped. Now what about me rose doubt of my heterosexuality? Was it the yellow shirt with flowers on it? Or my cross gender if not inebriated friendliness? Maybe it was the long animated chat i was having with John they observed. I was taken aback. I said no. In restrospect, that's 20/20 of course, i should've came up with a wittier answer. Like, even if at the risk of sounding corny, something like "yes, i'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body." or something. Anything smarter than a dumb "no". Idiot!

She closed the door and i stammered a "thank you! eh wait, your welcome!" And that was the last of the words passing between us that evening. Idiot! hahaha oh well.

John and I went back to the gig, My Squared Circle rocked our socks off. With another jug of vodka redbull, MSC was a Mars Volta reinterpreted. Amazing. So different from the straight ahead punk days i last saw them 4 years ago. Inspiring. At the end of their set we couldn't stop jumping off our asses to go to our jam room at Amoy and jam straight away, which was just what we did.

Meza Virs were in the middle of their heavy post-rock metal session. We grabbed our gear, went next door and belted out. Then when Meza Virs was done at about 1 AM we took Tjinn and played our Last Transmission stuff. Home at 3 with much energy spent, intoxication and life running in my veins. Great night.

Sunday:
Jamming in the afternoon at Amoy with John, Tjin, Ina, and Ben. Ina's beautiful voice showed itself again after many sessions we had without her, it was lovely. After Tjinn, Ben and Ina left, John, Nul and I played a total I Am David Sparkle set. Nul played the keyboards while john and i explored the soundscapes with out effects. My pounding drum machine at the slow beat of 52 bpm kept everything together. The electronica, ambient and ebbing sounds were such a change and fun to play.

Evening was with Ina, Tjin, John and Jeremy at Alley Bar. 2 jugs of beer and a round of Kama Sutra. That is 5 vodka shots, each mixed with a different liquer. As in midori melon and stuff. Sweet, very nice. We talked about our feelings of Ben wanting to join the Ben. I feel really bad for being quite mean to him. He really got on my nerves. I'm not alone though. John has to break the news to Ben, i feel really bad.

Tara called. Her voice is joy.

I'm home now, first proper blog in a long time, an entry that says what i've been doing. It's been a lovely weekend. Back to the agony of army later, sigh. Looking forward to wednesday's movie/jamming with Inah and John and Tjin. I am full and sated tonight.

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already. In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth. Buddhism 100% Satanism 96% Hinduism 75% agnosticism 75% Paganism 71% atheism 63% Judaism 58% Islam 54% Christianity 29% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

First night home after 4 days sleeping in camp... no wait one day at john's place. Yes it's been that busy. sheesh. The survey quite accurate amazingly hahha...

Inah, the photos are great! Thanks so much!
check out here....

Alcoholics Misnomymous

So lucid, calming, sweet. Two bottles of Port and one of Oak Aged Muscat. In a week and a half. Enhanced wine is wonderful.

Keith said the other day when you start drinking by yourself things are really downhill. I disagree. It's rock bottom, but it feels great in a masochistic way.

Gus is back till Sunday, great story teller as he is, Japan sounds hilarious. Jay is spent from building a whole village as a Combat Engineer.

After Jamming last week dinner with Ina, Hussin, and TJ was good. At Lau Pa Sat we sat after eating talking for 2 hours about games. I like hussin, i could say our ice is melted. Ina seems to take TJ better now, hope we all become closer freinds somewhat. Not over games, but it's something. Tara called, her voice is joy. He had her birthday with Sydney's Mardi Gras, stories that intrigue and are wondrous to me.

California Pizza the night before the Lau Pa Sat. John, Ina, TJ, Siti, her bro and her freind. Cool beans, really filled stomachs.

Just came back from queueing for China Black (sic), then waiting for bus to go O Bar. I left before the bus came, sleepy, and i got DO Duty later. Yeah yeah, everything sucks, i've had a bad week, work saps my verve, blah blah blah. Tawny Port is my salve, balm to my aching soul.

I miss music. My discman charger is broken, i've been without aural pleasure for weeks. I need it more. Muse in my ears now must last me for tomorrow at least. I'll bring the Sideways DVD to duty, at least indulge in a good show after i finish the work i couldn't do during the work during my tour of duty later. Some port will follow, inebriation softening the edginess i contract from teetering on oblivion.

Bang called while i was on my way home. His reason was coz he thinks theres a spyware in my com sending him invites to a mobile network. He calls me for this. For This. He hasn't called in ages and when he does it's for this. I've called him for the past few months. For no reason than other to be in his company. I watch his play, i support his gigs. Fine, he doesn't reciprocate, he's not obliged. But he calls me out of the blue, instead of for a periodical renewal of a great freindship forged in our similar artistic romantic dreams, but for some triviality - exemplifying what my standing to him has become apparantly. Fuck. And whenever he brushes me off when i call, it was just me whoring for some brotherly love lost. Fuck you Xibin, I'm beyond your self-centered gripe of unfairness, i don't give you any of the shit that you complain your life gives, does it mean i don't fit into your comfy little security of self effacing wit?

I've applied for Emily Carr. But the simple possibility of not seeing Tara again for the next 4 years is... beyond my descriptive ability. Port isn't the answer, but it blunts the cuts.

i need a sabbatical
getting lackadaisical
working hard to find
nothing done at dusk
before the dark and drink bring me to rust

I rest less, i'm restless
less rest i rest
lest the rest less the rest i rest

I love port. it wears the edge blunt
the cut becomes an abrasion instead
with minty calamine burning and freezing
the port shipping the pain away

stupid. stupid. fore head slapping
what were you thinking
you've lost it stupid
but without the anchor
throwing myself against the rocks
seems the same as being tossed by the waves

why destruction turns into destruction why not
you run faster, you speed more
you inhale the cigeratte harder
you take longer pulls
you look around half expecting to see her
when you know full well her appearance is preposterous
and you forget your duty and let your child wander off the sidewalk and play in traffic
then you realize what you've done
and hold him close tears flowing from your eyes
wondering if they'll form a little lake at your feet
as people walk on by avoiding the salty island
while you bear with coming close to losing everything else you treasure
as you grapple having the pearl stolen
the flame snuffed
the hope raped

it hangs off the eyes
it hangs off the lip
it hangs off the hard pulls of tobacco and alcohol
it hangs
it hangs
it hangs

It's like doing verything wrong.