Sunday, July 27, 2003

I'm at a party
Of someone who seems really nice, but i don't know her, mush less i'm using her computer blogging. Her name's Ingrid, such a classy name, she's Sonya's fren. lotsa VSC yr3s here. Just came from Crazy elephant where Winson and Celeste and gang were, and before that eightball jam session and crab fest.

Sigh. Feeling real wierd now. Ok so we've formally broken up. I've been expecting this, that everyone i see start conversation with "hey where's Tara?". I know they mean well, I knew my frens would do that. I prepared to answer with the whole, oh we had an amiable break up, we're frens now etc etc. But everytime i feel this pang. This stabbing pain sometimes that... sometimes stabs and withdraws so fast i wonder if it ever was there... thena few moments pass, i notice the blood and go hey, where did this come from? even though i know... feigning ignorance and all, it eases the pain in an escapist kinda way... ah well. I'm not that drowned in despair i used to be in the past... aLTHOUGH the medium of which i've been drowned in most of the time recently has some form of alcohol inside it.

I suddenly found out about how a few people had been romantically interested in me, through frens telling em abt it, and they told me after they heard we've broken up. I don't know to be flattered or insultled. I'm a little of both. A number of these 'admirers' i found somewhat attractive, although i do say attraction and love are far apart, and Tara has definately got my love. Sigh.

Eightball had our last jamming session today. It's a time of end for many things these few months. The end of Poly. The end of my longest, most loving, all round best relationship. the end of my favourite band in the whole wide world, with my favourite people inside even with their flaws. The end of my pink IC< at least for the nest two aNnd a half years.

It's gonna be some beginnnings too. army for one. I hope nothing else ends. i'm tired of ending.

the end of this post. the end.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

bent love and cool words.

Has anyone been following the recent cross fire in straits times forums about the gay issues? Today the issue made front page on the Home section.

Gay Backlash: Some Christians react strongly to Govt's Change in Hiring Policy
...(National council of Churches of Singapore) meeting ended with a consensus to draft an immediate plan of action that every pastor and church can adopt in our battle against homosexuality...

Do these guys enamour Bush so much that they seek to emulate his paranoid violent behavior by seeking an imagined threat of their own to battle? Have these guys not forgotten that their forefathers became Protestant because of discrimination against them for their own desire to re-interprate their lives and their beliefs, and now seek to discriminate against others in the same fashion?

Check this guy out: Pastor Yang from Cornerstone Cummunity Church, "Homosexuality is a sin and it is far more rampant, militant and organised than most of us actually believe it to be."

What, you saying there's an rampant underground gay army recruiting our young minds and causing us to get attracted to members of our own gender? OMFG! (no pun intended) This guy is a pastor! And yet depths of ignorance, bigotry and sanctimoniuosness does NOT elude one of his station. Religion can be based on faith, but social issues must be founded on reason. This movement is causing a further departure from social cohesion than accepting gays into civil service positions will ever come to.

Not to condemn all Christions, for i've known quite a few i've come to respect, a number of Christion members of Status spoke against this movement, and i appluad them for their courage to face political and psuedo-religious opposition to stand up for their compassionate beliefs and concept of an all-loving God:

"From my meeting with members of the gay and lesbian community, i have come to see them as normal human beings even though their sexual orientation is different from mine." -Reverand Yap Kim Hao

"It is not very Christian to provoke people to go against a group of people who, i believe, would not want to be what they are now if they have a choice."-Sister Theresa Seow, President of the Inter-Religious Organisation sid:this comment a little dubious about the choices part, but i think it wasn't a choice to homosexuals what their orientation was. it just was what it was. Sister Seow did however speak up....

"They must respect the views of others, and respect a person's right to be what he is."-Dr Wang Kai Yuen, Bukit Timah MP and Feedback Unit Chief


I've been following the papers since PM Goh made his historical announcement. All the Pro-gay letters to the forum were compassionate, intelligent, well-researched in terms of examples/statistics/psychological findings. All the Anti-gay letters were declarative, failing to support statements with evidence or reason, condemning and demanding. And stupid, shallow and narrow-minded.

WHat does that tell you? Either of two things: the Straits Times editors do not publish any intelligent Anti-gay letters, or that people who are Anti-gay are just like the letters sent in - obtuse and obstinate. The former was interesting to think about, although the latter is far more probable.




And another Note (ding!), here's a cool word i found out abt:
Evanascence:The name of the band who sang Bring me to life. It means the gradual disappearence of vapour. see the similarity in the word with Evaporate? It can be used in sentences like this - The evanescence of our love started when we ran out of Ganja at the rastafarian convention.




Sunday, July 13, 2003

Hi-Fidelity, Vocabulary

Latest mixtape cd of uncertainty and pain:
Wait in Vain, Annie Lennox
Save Me, Aimee Mann
Love-ridden, Fiona Apple
Everlong (acoustic), Foo Fighters
It's Not Easy Being Me, Five For Fighting
Don't Speak, No Doubt
Walking After You, Foo Fighters
Falling, Muse
Sick of Myself, Mathew Sweet
Ex-Girlfriend, No Doubt
I'll Never Let You Go, 3rd Eye Blind
High and Dry, Radiohead
Someday We'll Know, New Radicals
Death and Destruction, Weezer
Labour of Love, Frente
The Freshman, Vervpe Pipe
Nothing Compares, Sinead O`Conner
Constant Craving, K.D. Lang
The World has Turned and Left Me Here, Weezer
I'm Cursed, Eightball in the Corner Pocket
I know my Love, The Corrs and The Cheftains

Vocabulary for the uncertaint, and the pain
asinine: extremely stupid or silly
attrition: process of gradually destroying your enemy by making them weak by attacking them continuously
morose: bad-tempered, unhappy and silent
incubus: 1, someone or something that causes alot of worries, 2 Male devil - compare with Succubus, 3 a bad dream; Nightmare
callow:young and without experiance
fate: the things that will happen to someone, especially unpleasent events


what shocked me was the meaning of fate. This is what i get for searching up the meaning of fate?! Rhetorical question, ignore.

We ask advice to questions we know the answers to. Time is a river, we are but pebbles. We may cause a few ripples, but we certainly wouldn't change it's course.

We know the meaning, at least i thought i did. but when i looked it up it appalled me.
compromise: to reach an agreement between two people that is achieved by both accepting less than they wanted at first.

negotiations? what negotiations? We don't negotiate with terrorists! Oh really, then how much are you willing to sacrifice?

Friday, July 11, 2003

I don't want to wait in vain for you to love
the words have been said
my bed's made
at last, it's come to pass
have the dues been paid?
my time's dead
the farce, it's come to pass

oh~ nothing really ends
Oh~ where can i make amends?
Oh~ver Oh~ver my head
I'm spent Oh~ver my head

i never asked for forever
just only tomorrow
it must've seemed an eternity to you
and maybe you're right

you said you loved me
you said you needed time
time apart to think
how can that be right

oh~ nothing really ends
Oh~ where can i make amends?
Oh~ver Oh~ver my head
I'm spent Oh~ver my head

bridge:
i'm aching but i'm not crying
i've half the mind to give in
but i'm afraid to give up
i've died but i'm still living

hunger hurts
but starving works
when it costs too much to love


oh~ nothing really ends
Oh~ where can i make amends?
Oh~ver Oh~ver my head
I'm spent Oh~ver my head

hunger hurts
but starving works
when it costs too much to love



Thursday, July 03, 2003

Ugh
So many things have happened. Even when i've come back Blogger has changed. Wow.

I've been very saddened by recent events, but it comforts me to see some comments have accumulated here on my blog. The only people who see this is probably Krissy, Kentie and Cassandra. I'm glad there is someone though.

For a few weeks, I had to live off my big brother's computer. I wasn't allowed to save anything or install/use any of my programs. I wasn't allowed to use it when he was at home, which was everyday between 7pm and 8am. My hard disk had given up the ghost. My FYP files, 2 years of gathered research, articles, artwork for Underneath2, beloved MP3s, about 900 digital photos of Eightball gigs, family events, IMD and freinds, places, things, gigs, my self created stock photos, texture library and motion library for graphic use..... everything gone.

I've been... "put on hold". someone told me that my agony came from female conditioning. i couldn't refute that, i've become the stupid sissy shitfuck women say they want but actually don't. and that someone said i already knew the answer in my mind. he was right, i did, but i haven't the guts to do it.

I worked for a week, and had a very disagreeable time. if i see Nelson's father, i would show just how much respect for him i have - none. He hadn't been showing me any in the first place, so it shouldn't be that bad an arrangement. got $300, little for what i had to do, but he got what he requested anyway, a really horrible aftereffects ad, corny lousy shitty commercial for EGO pudding.

Krissy, 'Marbles' is lyrics for a song in my head. i just wrote another one. i'm thinking of alot of negative songs now. very weezer. it doesn't feel so happy to be like this.