The Dissolution of a Decade of Destruction - Part 1
One year ago today, I quit smoking.
This was the end of a habit that lasted for 10 years, and since I've relapsed in the past, weeks or months after previous attempts, I haven't dared announce this until one year after I have stopped.
Today, I celebrate with some relief and much joy, having not smoked any cigarettes since this day last year.
I am filled with pride over this achievement for I remember how much I craved breathing those tendrils of white puffy clouds. It was a feat to overcome that monumental addiction, and my life has only changed for the better since.
The journey has been long. It has been full of contemplation, search for knowledge, discovery of the self and application of the will. I am putting down some of the thoughts I've had, and I hope that I have grown in wisdom for having undertaken this journey.
Starting out
I was 17, turning 18. I didn't have any friends that smoked so I didn't have any peer pressure to join in. One of my brothers smoked but he never encouraged me and never smoked around me. I went and bought my first ever pack of cigarettes because I felt depressed, moody and a little suicidal.
It was a $1.70 pack of Salem which had 6 or 8 sticks in a small box.
I felt that I was going to slowly slit my wrists and that it was what I deserved because I was worthless and ought not to live. Then I took my first drag and magic happened. I stopped feeling unhappy. I started to feel cool... not cool in a fashionable sense, but cool in a way that was... collected. calm. flat-lined. Things felt... manageable.
Little did I know then, that this was the psychotropic effects of Nicotine at work. And by not knowing, I perceived it through my own ignorance and began to rationalize that it was good. I felt that my problems weren't so distressing after a smoke, and it was a balancing force that helped me gain mastery over the hurdles of everyday life I constantly faced.
It was a drug I threw myself headlong into and savored. I moved on to Marlboro lights, Sampoerna, Marlboro reds, rollies, you name it. I hit it off straight away with other smokers, it was a wonderful social lubricant and enjoyed every drag down to the bud.
Understanding Nicotine
Somewhere in the third year of Polytechnic, I was probably about 21, I was caught for smoking on campus in one of the stair wells in the School of Design in Temasek Poly. Apart from a $50 fine, I had to attend an hour long "Smoking Cessation Clinic" or I'd be suspended from classes.
I dragged myself to the counselor's office when the day came, expecting the same death threats I've seen from anti-smoking campaigns with much dread and surliness. What happened was something that lit a spark in my mind because if there was something I couldn't resist more than smoking cigarettes, it was learning something new.
I don't remember her name, or even her face, but I'll never forget her words. The counselor was a practicing doctor (a GP) who took one day a week off from her normal job of helping the sick to do volunteer work by counseling students sent to this "smoking cessation clinic".
"I'm not going to repeat the same health warnings you have doubtlessly heard many times over by now. Instead, I'd like to talk a little about what Nicotine is and how it works.
Nicotine is a smart drug. It is capable of acting as both a stimulant and a relaxant, whichever your brain needs at the present moment. The result to the user is that when you smoke when you are tired, you perk up, appear to be able to concentrate better and feel energized. When you are stressed out, filled with anxiety or highly strung, a puff from a cigarette seems to calm you down and you feel relaxed.
This is how your psychological dependence is developed. Cigarettes always seem to help. It becomes whatever you need it to be and soon, you can't do without it on a psychological level."
You can verify these statements with a much more scientific sounding explanation here. What this meant to me shook my world quite a bit.
For the first time, I noticed what was happening to me on a chemical level when I smoked. I became conscious of the physiological effects that was as noticeable as a stimulating coffee buzz or relaxing alcoholic tipsiness. It was clear that I had made up all these reasons that smoking helped when in fact, smoking just acted on my brain like how a knee jerk would happen when tapped in the right point on a nerve.
I realized I was a victim to this, and it was enslaving me by tricking me to think I was its master. I thought I could quit if I wanted to but when I tried, the craving was so great and all it needed was a puff to make all that difficulty go away. I tried to quit for the first time but invariably, I failed.
Attempts to quit
Every smoker wants to quit. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday. Maybe it's when you are going to get married... or pregnant... or when you are raising kids... just someday in the vague indeterminate future. Not now, because right now, all you really want to have at the very moment, is to light up a cigarette and have a smoke.
I have tried quitting for my then girlfriend. She told me that I had to do it for myself and not for her. Her wisdom was lost on me, I thought she was a much better reason to quit than for myself, I didn't think myself to be worth that much effort really.
She was right. When I was with her, I didn't feel the urge to smoke at all. But when I was by myself, the urge was uncontrollable. I couldn't resist smoking when I didn't have anyone to prove it to, and the symptoms of withdrawal got unbearable.
I tried quitting for my family. Similarly, they couldn't be around all the time and when they were not, there was always the comforting company of fellow smokers who celebrated in the same addiction. Misery loved company.
As my sense of self worth improved the more I left teen-hood and the more I matured, I began to see that my then girlfriend was right. I had to quit for myself as only I would be with me at all times. While I started to agree with this rationally, I made excuses like setting yet another vague milestone in the indeterminate future to quit. I had been single for a while now, I'd quit when I got into a serious relationship with someone.
Seeing through the lie and the Ultimatum
The year 2010 was winding down to an end. On the eve of the new year of 2011, I was among the revelry at Peats Ridge, a music festival where I'd be counting down to the new year.
As the music reached its zenith and revelers counted down to the new year, a ray of light pierced through that excuse and tore a hole which ripped all the way down through the entire length of the argument. The stars aligned, my mind expanded and everything was illuminated.
Firstly, it became crystal clear that waiting to quit the next time I got into a serious relationship was coated in a thick layer of kidding myself. My last relationship was in 2008. I don't hit on girls at all, I don't know how to "pick up" and I don't really know what "dating" is. There are no signs any change was coming to my relationship status on Facebook anytime soon.
Promising to quit smoking when I got into a relationship was hedging on a bet that, for the forseeable future, was not going to happen. It was really gaming the system to keep on letting me smoke.
Secondly, I was reminded that, for some time now, I was fueled by a revelation that to love myself was a way to love the ones who loved you. It was a long journey in itself where I finally equated my self worth to be in a reciprocal relationship with love from others. While I had found it hard to regard myself highly for many years, to the ones who loved you, all they wanted to see in you was you doing the best for yourself. Self motivation could be turned into self-less motivation, if to make things better for one's self (which does not philosophically exist) was in fact a way to show your love to those who cared.
Thirdly, serious health risks would begin to appear from the tenth year onwards for a smoker. Already, I've had scaling done on my teeth to remove cigarette stains. I had shortness of breath during strenuous activities. My gums were blackish, my breath stale, my hair musty, my nails dark colored, my living spaces lined with ash, I had early symptions of emphysema and chronic coughing. From what I read, it would not be long before I'd see early onset of gout, diabetes, circulatory problems, and more.
The time had come. I became resolute. I resolved on the eve of the new year of 2011 that I'd quit smoking before I turned 28 in June.
I had to do this for myself. Doing this for myself would be for the benefit of those who loved me, and for those who might come to love me. I would set upon the task of researching what I could to pave the way to climb out of this addiction and be free from cigarettes moving forward.
In part 2, I will talk about the theories and tools that helped me quit.
This was the end of a habit that lasted for 10 years, and since I've relapsed in the past, weeks or months after previous attempts, I haven't dared announce this until one year after I have stopped.
Today, I celebrate with some relief and much joy, having not smoked any cigarettes since this day last year.
I am filled with pride over this achievement for I remember how much I craved breathing those tendrils of white puffy clouds. It was a feat to overcome that monumental addiction, and my life has only changed for the better since.
The journey has been long. It has been full of contemplation, search for knowledge, discovery of the self and application of the will. I am putting down some of the thoughts I've had, and I hope that I have grown in wisdom for having undertaken this journey.
Starting out
I was 17, turning 18. I didn't have any friends that smoked so I didn't have any peer pressure to join in. One of my brothers smoked but he never encouraged me and never smoked around me. I went and bought my first ever pack of cigarettes because I felt depressed, moody and a little suicidal.
It was a $1.70 pack of Salem which had 6 or 8 sticks in a small box.
I felt that I was going to slowly slit my wrists and that it was what I deserved because I was worthless and ought not to live. Then I took my first drag and magic happened. I stopped feeling unhappy. I started to feel cool... not cool in a fashionable sense, but cool in a way that was... collected. calm. flat-lined. Things felt... manageable.
Little did I know then, that this was the psychotropic effects of Nicotine at work. And by not knowing, I perceived it through my own ignorance and began to rationalize that it was good. I felt that my problems weren't so distressing after a smoke, and it was a balancing force that helped me gain mastery over the hurdles of everyday life I constantly faced.
It was a drug I threw myself headlong into and savored. I moved on to Marlboro lights, Sampoerna, Marlboro reds, rollies, you name it. I hit it off straight away with other smokers, it was a wonderful social lubricant and enjoyed every drag down to the bud.
Understanding Nicotine
Somewhere in the third year of Polytechnic, I was probably about 21, I was caught for smoking on campus in one of the stair wells in the School of Design in Temasek Poly. Apart from a $50 fine, I had to attend an hour long "Smoking Cessation Clinic" or I'd be suspended from classes.
I dragged myself to the counselor's office when the day came, expecting the same death threats I've seen from anti-smoking campaigns with much dread and surliness. What happened was something that lit a spark in my mind because if there was something I couldn't resist more than smoking cigarettes, it was learning something new.
I don't remember her name, or even her face, but I'll never forget her words. The counselor was a practicing doctor (a GP) who took one day a week off from her normal job of helping the sick to do volunteer work by counseling students sent to this "smoking cessation clinic".
"I'm not going to repeat the same health warnings you have doubtlessly heard many times over by now. Instead, I'd like to talk a little about what Nicotine is and how it works.
Nicotine is a smart drug. It is capable of acting as both a stimulant and a relaxant, whichever your brain needs at the present moment. The result to the user is that when you smoke when you are tired, you perk up, appear to be able to concentrate better and feel energized. When you are stressed out, filled with anxiety or highly strung, a puff from a cigarette seems to calm you down and you feel relaxed.
This is how your psychological dependence is developed. Cigarettes always seem to help. It becomes whatever you need it to be and soon, you can't do without it on a psychological level."
You can verify these statements with a much more scientific sounding explanation here. What this meant to me shook my world quite a bit.
For the first time, I noticed what was happening to me on a chemical level when I smoked. I became conscious of the physiological effects that was as noticeable as a stimulating coffee buzz or relaxing alcoholic tipsiness. It was clear that I had made up all these reasons that smoking helped when in fact, smoking just acted on my brain like how a knee jerk would happen when tapped in the right point on a nerve.
I realized I was a victim to this, and it was enslaving me by tricking me to think I was its master. I thought I could quit if I wanted to but when I tried, the craving was so great and all it needed was a puff to make all that difficulty go away. I tried to quit for the first time but invariably, I failed.
Attempts to quit
Every smoker wants to quit. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday. Maybe it's when you are going to get married... or pregnant... or when you are raising kids... just someday in the vague indeterminate future. Not now, because right now, all you really want to have at the very moment, is to light up a cigarette and have a smoke.
I have tried quitting for my then girlfriend. She told me that I had to do it for myself and not for her. Her wisdom was lost on me, I thought she was a much better reason to quit than for myself, I didn't think myself to be worth that much effort really.
She was right. When I was with her, I didn't feel the urge to smoke at all. But when I was by myself, the urge was uncontrollable. I couldn't resist smoking when I didn't have anyone to prove it to, and the symptoms of withdrawal got unbearable.
I tried quitting for my family. Similarly, they couldn't be around all the time and when they were not, there was always the comforting company of fellow smokers who celebrated in the same addiction. Misery loved company.
As my sense of self worth improved the more I left teen-hood and the more I matured, I began to see that my then girlfriend was right. I had to quit for myself as only I would be with me at all times. While I started to agree with this rationally, I made excuses like setting yet another vague milestone in the indeterminate future to quit. I had been single for a while now, I'd quit when I got into a serious relationship with someone.
Seeing through the lie and the Ultimatum
The year 2010 was winding down to an end. On the eve of the new year of 2011, I was among the revelry at Peats Ridge, a music festival where I'd be counting down to the new year.
As the music reached its zenith and revelers counted down to the new year, a ray of light pierced through that excuse and tore a hole which ripped all the way down through the entire length of the argument. The stars aligned, my mind expanded and everything was illuminated.
Firstly, it became crystal clear that waiting to quit the next time I got into a serious relationship was coated in a thick layer of kidding myself. My last relationship was in 2008. I don't hit on girls at all, I don't know how to "pick up" and I don't really know what "dating" is. There are no signs any change was coming to my relationship status on Facebook anytime soon.
Promising to quit smoking when I got into a relationship was hedging on a bet that, for the forseeable future, was not going to happen. It was really gaming the system to keep on letting me smoke.
Secondly, I was reminded that, for some time now, I was fueled by a revelation that to love myself was a way to love the ones who loved you. It was a long journey in itself where I finally equated my self worth to be in a reciprocal relationship with love from others. While I had found it hard to regard myself highly for many years, to the ones who loved you, all they wanted to see in you was you doing the best for yourself. Self motivation could be turned into self-less motivation, if to make things better for one's self (which does not philosophically exist) was in fact a way to show your love to those who cared.
Thirdly, serious health risks would begin to appear from the tenth year onwards for a smoker. Already, I've had scaling done on my teeth to remove cigarette stains. I had shortness of breath during strenuous activities. My gums were blackish, my breath stale, my hair musty, my nails dark colored, my living spaces lined with ash, I had early symptions of emphysema and chronic coughing. From what I read, it would not be long before I'd see early onset of gout, diabetes, circulatory problems, and more.
The time had come. I became resolute. I resolved on the eve of the new year of 2011 that I'd quit smoking before I turned 28 in June.
I had to do this for myself. Doing this for myself would be for the benefit of those who loved me, and for those who might come to love me. I would set upon the task of researching what I could to pave the way to climb out of this addiction and be free from cigarettes moving forward.
In part 2, I will talk about the theories and tools that helped me quit.
Sid found concrete manifestation for abstract/complicated/foolish/affected/inebrieted musings at 11:27 PM
0 chord to the harmony
