Wednesday, May 12, 2010

For 2009, I struggled from drowning.

for 2010, it been better but not ideal. I love that the job is challenging and I'm always learning new things. Learning new things keeps one thirst quenched.

Life will never return to doing creative things for the love of the craft. The current work load is still too draining. And I know its because I'm so capable of finding what more can be done and keep trying to go over and above. I'm like that. Striving for the best non-stop will kill you, but I can't help it. So I kill myself.

Between the choices of having an easier time, finding time to do things that resonate the core, and working to achieve an excellence I don't think is unachievable but for what price it is... I say to me-self I'm young, I can endure the hardship, it will pay off. I know I am the pillar of the revenue we collect while I skim a very small fraction of it, but there is no jealousy to induce resentment. I pray that I'd be valued as much as I put in though, and patience is running short when you put in 9 - 13 hour days for nothing additional in return. for months.

And you do this amidst caring for yourself, with nothing to lean on, and the other voices that conduct the inner dialogue begin to feel like someone else instead of really a part of yourself... no I dramatize. I'm far from insane.

I will not let circumstance win. I will fight. I won't die fighting because I won't die. I'd find another way before death. I can endure this, it will pay off. I will get what I want eventually if I keep at what I am doing, striving and being on top of my game. This hope will keep me from drowning.

And the small things will be smaller joys I'll settle with temporarily with. If I can cook dinner and the next day's lunch, it has been a good day. If I've seen the friends I like and care for on a weekend, it's been a good weekend. If I'd get to share something intimate with anyone in a month, it's been a good month. If I save up enough money in a quarter, it's been a good 3 months. If I eat well, exercise enough and don't fall sick for half a year, it's been a good 6 months. If I've advanced in my career in a year, it's been a good year.

Many things are going good, so I don't feel I have a place to complain about whatever I lack. The counting of blessings is an art sometimes hard to pick up, but gratitude holds a humble appreciation while having a patience for better things to come. I miss my family, I need some love, I yearn for the trance of being inside ones art, but I can't complain.

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