I'd better type this down b4 i start else i forget:
1.Meander about peach but ultimately ending up bitching abt it and then consoling yourself.
2.Start with 'On a different note' and explain your Smokey Mindshapes Theory
3.Lead to a throw away joke about a friend of mine that i treasure and hold close in my heart, although he's probably too caught up in his own self despair.

Peach Blossom Media Pte Ltd
Strangely, going to sleep last night hoping i never woke up to go to work, today wasn't that bad when i got there. I didn't even have to Xercize my masterful self hypnosis skills. I was positive, enthusiastic, efficiant, on fire. hey, i thought to myself, it's not so bad. Maybe it was one of kentie's last words to me last night ("relak lah, experiance this next you'll look back and talk abt it"). Maybe it was sleeping at 3am and waking at 7 then working 12 hrs straight.

By lunchtime i realized it was wednesday and i had 2 more days to go. the remains of the day went downhill rather rapidly.

Anyway, here's the main reason: Moroniacalismisisticismology. They put me under this full time illustrator, who is under an Episode Director, who in the the case of illustration of props/bgs for the animation, ascertains the 'function' of the work, then passes it to the Moron art DIErector Andy Lam who judges it for art direction consistency with the animation series as a whole. this causes 2 hours to get 10 drawings approved. if it passes 1st stage, it moves on, usually failing at the third under Moron's amazing insights:

"hmm... too much perspective... nono, now it's too flat... cuter please... no not that cute... why don't you restart from scratch and see what you come up with? then i'll fucking not tell you where that need changing and tell you to restart again, since i don't know how to speak as well as draw beyond the like of a 6mth old."

Sorry? um... yea... yea... it is? oh it's time to move on to my consoling myself? Who says i'll go on forever?!? why that Moron is... har? oh. ok. yea i guess.

So i've got two days more. i pushed off the storyboarding sweatshop assembly line vacancy for next week, maybe Lynn won't find it as bad. sat-kentie's bday. next week-resurrect my mind.

Smoky Mind ShapesTheory
On a different note, if you're still reading after all this crap (i know i am), here's my Smoky Mind Shapes Theory.

I've thought about thoughts alot. and feelings too. as in those mental phenomenan in themselves. i think they are smoke. they drift in your mind, shapeless, without form and substance. you can't grab it, wield it, keep it from drifting around.

words, written or spoken, have an effect on this smoke. it sort of solidifies them. the shape they form after solidification rarely becomes the actual shape they were, but more or less. Solidified, these ex-Smoke gain form and substance, hence texture, strength and fortitude.

eg: the smoke is drifting around signifying that you since you get this gut feeling that feezes you up on stage, you just might have a fear of being onstage.

then if you say "hmm, i think i have stagefright", the Smoke is given form, substance. If you say it again, it gains more. then fear suddenly exists, becomes something you can grab, wield, harmful.

when left as smoke, it hangs around, but being smoke, dissipates. it is alot harder to get rid of a solid object than Smoke.

This theory has taught me the power of words. it can boost my vigor if i repeat 'i have the strength', and vice versa. it also solidifies your hates, feeding them. it amplifies fears.

so i shouldn't have kept talking about how i hate Peach (oops i did it again), it could've just drifted away. killed itself like a lemming on a cliff. i need to remind myself to empower Smoke i want to empower.

I need to only empower Smoke i want to empower.


Throwaway joke about a friend of mine

What do you call Xibin's total holistic philosophy of Life, The Universe and Everything?

The Big Bang Theory.

testing 123

aaAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArgh

i dont want to go to peach blossom anymore!!!!!!!!!! i still got a week more to go~!!!!! i hate it there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate ANDY, the moron art dierector....... i hate the things i have to draw.........

i was so happy when they called me up to do freelance illustration. i thought to myself, wow this is the first time in my life i've been hired to do something that they know i'm good at, talented for and experienced in. i seriously felt... wonderful. used appropriately. appreciated. valued. needed.

then when i was there taking all their shit i remembered why they called me. because they are stingy fucks who are hiring me only because they can get away with paying $200bucks a week instead of a $900 bucks a week pro designer/illustrator. i'll let them get away. as well as being moronic towards me. like really moronic. i tell myself to appreciate what i got, but gosh i hate working for them, it's hard to appreciate what u hate.

sigh. i'm unhappy abt:
1.working at peach.
2.i haven't traveled in a long time. 4yrs i think. i need to go somewhere, take a trip. i'm suffocating here. i need to clear the chokes in my mind.
3.not doing anything that makes me feel creative and alive this week. last week Eightball jammed intensively, and performed at auditions etc. although we didn't get in the last one, i felt so good. m6 hours waiting at a venue for 10minutes on stage. it was bliss that 10mins. scary and exciting, embarassed yet gloryfied, ... so much to say. the stage gives me epiphany.
4. that wanzhen problem, since it resurfaced. sigh.
5.my 'closest' friend drifting away because of his girlfriend. and himself partly. i dunno.
6.fucking hair shit. (gosh i'm so foulmouthed). i try to convince myself it looks ok, but i hate it deep inside. i'm scared ppl will get irritated at me if i bitch abt it, so i shaddup. no point to bitch anyway. tell myself it's ok.
7.feeling empty, unhappy, afraid, pressured, worried, claustrophobic, wronged, misperceived, unsympathasized, unconnected. worst of all unconnected. to everything and everyone.

wow i just read kentie's weblog. it's kenteth.blogspot.com

it's cool. you sort of get the idea she thinks alot, maybe more thinking than groundless feeling, but .. aww i don't know what i'm talking about.

i got so many things so say. i'm afraid to say it. a few immediate things are on my mind. those who were with me at the shisha smoke place know. but i'm afraid to say it. as i have for many other things. say the situation out here, and say what i need to say to people involved in those situations.

You see, saying what i felt and thought has always brought me trouble. It's always given me shit. after enough shit, you sort of develop a fear, much like lemmings to cliffs. oh wait. see, that's why sometimes i continue to get myself into shit by saying what i feel andthink.

i'd better post this now before i i go pee.

listening to(i don't know why ppl do this, but i shall to): My 2nd brother snoring in the bunk bed above me and catching wafts from my stinking feet which i haven't wached since i got back. i shall now. wash the feet that is.