I've been retelling my horrid army life to many of my friends the past week. Poor john has been present for quite a few everytime a new person asks for my account. He's mentioned Deja Vu in a vague way, i think he means this. hahaha.

Everyone seems solemn after i tell them. It is unique, truly, but i can't help but feel wierd. As I relieve the urge to share the frightful events i am put through, i sense their indelible reception. is it awkwardness? pity? awe? I would punctuate with paroxysms of frustration, and they are muted and candid. Furtive questions follow, then silence. I'm not bothered by it, but it stand out as... interesting.

I guess my army life is very unusual. I have never heard of an NSF bearing such duties and even when they do, they do not relate them with such... eloquence. I make it sound so horrible. Perhaps if i removed all my emphasis, the plain events themselves are bad enough. But i have to add footnotes of my feelings and considerations that inflates the severity of my punishment.

I make excuse that my drink and nicotine addiction is because of it. But i know, and those that know me would know too, it's just an excuse. I am weak. They are easy temptations where the immediate consequences are not in clear sight, so i take the risk.

I lack the discipline i suppose. I am so full of will, but without the focus.

Nevertheless i hope i can disrupt my NS liability soon. I am aching with desire. I move forward in my life once more. To escape the Hentak Kaki of serving as an officer. I embrace advancement in the arts i've chosen to be my life. To once more in the arms of my love of artistry, meaning and Tara. July semester is the application i've sent in. I long to feel alive again at work. So far the only artistry left in me is with Last Transmission, and thankfully LT has kept my light glowing in the coldest winters of my heart.

I understand John's sadness in my departure, for i feel it too that LT might once more be faced with uncertainty. I don't know what Ina and Tjinn thinks. Tjinn doesn't have the kind of trials Ina has had with LT. She's gone through much and her gravitation to suspending our fantasies must mean something. We all want to suspend this fantasy of music making. Tjinn has found a nice outlet for himself with us, and good company. But any more is unspoken from his reticence. Still his perpetual enthusiasm speaks of some value to me, the must be some meaning more than i can perceive.

Suppositions and hypothesis, might make for my presumptuousness.