hoary stories
On hindsight, I think I was more affected by the rediscoveries of my friends' lives than been grappling with this dilemma. The situation existed, but I'd say it seldom bothered me. I've made the effort to not become too distraught, the activities in my past posts reflect that. The most effective means of not thinking about this however, has been coming from contact with Her, herself.

Our propinquity, cleanses my soul and exorcises the demons. On this issue at least. Our inconcrete relationship may be the cause, everytime she looks at me from my computer screen, none of all that i imagine, matters. Webcams can do wonders :)

It doesn't matter we haven't a resolution. Life doesn't provide absolution. The present is where we exist. We can create the future. And if hollywood has done it's job well enough, there is hope.

It does bother me sometimes. When things are not going well. When i seek a warm heart to snuggle up to, to feel safe and protected, to feel reinvigorated against the myriad of problems my life will throw at me. Our relationship isn't absent, it's vivid and alive, but it's inconcrete. A romanticist like me should claim the insubstantiality of such a worldly matter, that abstraction is the most concrete experiance. But I am a rational person too. Somehow, I still feel safe, protected, invigorated when I'm with her. I'm just not when she isn't around.

Still the linkage between the words "committing a crime" and "commitment" may explain some fears in people. Maybe that's why they see it as a wrong thing to do. It affects some of the choices i need to make too, like where to study for my degree. Maybe my assumption that the course might not be what I want is an erroneous hypothesis. How would i know?

I could state all the things that bother me one by one like this. I already sound lugubrious. Yet... yet when she comes, it's all gone...